It’s Okay to Admit You’re Not “Okay”

*Please note: This is a sensitive and real thing that I went through. It was not easy to write and some parts may make you think I am a horrible person…but if you continue reading, I hope that you will understand. Thank you. <3

Did you know that today is World Maternal Mental Health Day?

It is! It has been declared the first Wednesday in May and I’ve been given signs for a long time now, to share my story. Even more signs popped up in the past few days. It’s something I have never really shared with people and if I did it wasn’t in depth, but I wanted to share this in hopes of someone reading it will know that they’re not alone.

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Photo: Amanda Glenn Photography

This here is a photo of a mother who absolutely loves and adores her child.

This is also a photo of a mother who had/has a hard time with this adorable, little babe.

And I don’t just mean, had a hard time adjusting to motherhood. That, alone, was a battle. But I went through stages of anger, fits, rage, crying, sadness, and hopelessness…and I didn’t know or understand why.

This tiny baby would cry because he was hungry or wanted to be close to me. I had fed him, changed him, burped him, took clothes off, put more clothes back on, rocked him, swayed him, swaddled him, hugged him, wore him…and nothing was working. I feel like this is something quite common. And when you can’t figure out what’s going on with your baby, it’s perfectly normal to cry! Instead, I got angry. I was filled with rage when I couldn’t get him to stop. Following the feelings of anger and rage, I began to really cry. Not only cry but completely sob until it hurt.

I hated the mother I was.

Why would I get so upset at this sweet, baby boy? I grew him in my belly, birthed him, and nourished him with my body through breastfeeding. He was MY baby. My love. Everything I lived for.

So, why did I get so angry all the time? Why was I filled with so much anger when it came to the simple cries of a child needing his mother?

Postnatal Depression is real.

From someone who already struggles with depression (that’s a whole other story), I felt that the post partum part hit me hard. It was always difficult for me to understand what was going on within me and I thought that it was going to destroy the bond with my child and I. As much as it pains me to say this…I was almost afraid. I would get so angry and upset that I was afraid that I was going to be one of those mothers that would actually hurt their child. Yes, it was that bad.

Did I want to hurt my baby? Absolutely not. Never in a million years would I ever want 18280802_10208845007314754_1932360827_n It's Okay to Admit You're Not "Okay"to do such a thing. It is my job to protect my child and to keep them safe. And I will do that until my last dying breath. But was that a real fear of mine? Yes. It’s scary.

But I didn’t know that it wasn’t just me.

Over 75% of women do not get diagnosed or receive treatment or support. And 2 in 10 women have a mental health problem during pregnancy and in the first year, following birth. Think of all of the women around you, having babies. That’s a lot! I’m willing to bet that many of them are hiding it from you and are hiding it well. The problem is, we need to speak up about it.

I had no idea what was going on with me. I thought it was just my regular old depression, short fuse, and bad temper coming in. I didn’t think I actually needed any help with anything. When I was about 6 months post partum with my son, a friend of mine (whom I finally admitted a few things to) said,

“That sounds like post partum depression. I went back to talk to someone and got some help with it.”

I had no clue that she was going through it too! She actually experienced a lot of what I was going through. The anger and the sobbing. She went almost immediately having her child. I went back to get some help and I was given the runaround. Because I was 6 months post baby, I was no longer considered having post partum depression and they thought it was something completely different. So,  I looked forward to meeting with the doc and talking about what was going on – to finally get some answers.

Not long after being in that room with the doctor, I left feeling worse about myself. I felt as though I was an unfit mother. The doctor ridiculed me for the things that I was saying and for how I was feeling. He threatened to find a way to take my baby away. Now, that was one of the scariest things for me. That was why I didn’t want to get help or tell anyone about it. Because, how do you explain to someone the anger you feel inside and what’s happening in there…but that you’re not actually going to do ANYTHING like what you’re feeling? Some people can’t comprehend that until they are in the same situation. And if you’ve never had depression or post partum depression – you’re not going to get it.

18280802_10208845007314754_1932360827_n It's Okay to Admit You're Not "Okay"
Amanda Glenn Photography

Needless to say, I never went back again. I never went back for help. I just continued with feeling the way I did. I talked to my husband and a couple friends here and there. I tried my best to be the best mother I could for my son. I loved him with everything in me. I wanted the feelings that I would feel every now and then to just go away. I did, however, feel a strong bond with him through breastfeeding. I missed him so much when I had to go to work. I snuggled with him and played with him and had all of the marvelous moments that one would have with their baby. My love never changed.

But I did realize that as he got older and we started trying for our next baby, my feelings weren’t as bad as they once were. Mind you, I was on the Mirena and although it is localized in just the uterus – hormones are hormones. And I learned a long time ago that I cannot do a lot of birth control because of the hormones. The Mirena still affected me. When I got it taken out, it took some time to get pregnant again and those “crazy” feelings weren’t as strong anymore.

Not until I ended up in the ER. Not many know about that situation. It’s hard to talk about but I will say that, depression caused by pregnancy and birth DOES happen. I had my kids close together. My hormones had gone up and down over the past 3 years. It’s not easy. It’s not easy to talk about or admit. And it’s not easy to know that you’ve had this happen to you.

Throughout my pregnancy with my daughter, I had been attacked from others about “mental issues” and being “mentally unstable.” And let me tell you,

It was a time where I was the strongest I had ever been.

Did it hurt when people talked about it as if it was nothing? Hell yes. Did I want to go off on those people? You betcha. But what was that going to solve? Absolutely nothing. It just made me realize that it really is something I needed to talk about. And the sad part was, it was in reference to the night I ended up in the ER. So, over the past year, I realized I needed to talk about this. So, here I am writing this super long post. 18280802_10208845007314754_1932360827_n It's Okay to Admit You're Not "Okay"

Anyway –
As much as I had bonded with my son, I did notice a disconnect. And I still do to this day. My pregnancies, their births, post partum side – everything is like night and day between my children. I didn’t feel the same feelings I had with my daughter after birth like I did with my son. My pregnancy was fitter and healthier the second time around. Hormones are weird like that, where they really can mess with the body in a very negative or even a positive way. But because of this disconnect with my son, I have felt the pang of guilt on more than one occasion. It hurts me to know that I get angry at him easier.

 

That disconnect actually worried me while I was pregnant with my daughter.

What if I love my daughter more than I love my son? What kind of thought is that?! A real one. And it sucked feeling that way. To be honest with you, I don’t love either of them more or less than the other. BUT – I can totally see a difference in how I am as a mother BECAUSE of my daughter. Because my pregnancy and the BIRTH was so different, I felt more of a connection immediately. When my son was born, he was rushed away from me completely. I am not blaming our disconnect on that whatsoever but I can see the differences throughout pregnancy and birth with each of them. I did post about my birth story with my daughter and I described it as a “healing birth.” And that’s exactly what it was. No, I don’t love my daughter more than my son. But we all connect differently to each other. And that’s okay.18280802_10208845007314754_1932360827_n It's Okay to Admit You're Not "Okay"

Honestly, there’s a chance that most of me getting angry easier is just due to him being a toddler and those “terrible-twos” are quite difficult. He is a lot like me. Go figure. But I can’t dwell on the fact that I used to be a certain way towards him. I can only move forward and learn from my mistakes.

I wish I could end this post where I tell you that I got the help I needed and I am fixed. But unfortunately, that is not the case. Somehow, in some way, my body healed itself. Not completely, but I noticed that I am no longer as angry or hopeless as I used to be. I don’t cry nearly as much as I did and my heart is more open.

I do, however, urge you to get help if you need it. If you feel ANYTHING like how I have described it in this post, please talk to someone. A doctor, a therapist, a friend (who will then refer you to a doctor or a therapist) but don’t let yourself think you’re helpless. Don’t think that you’re the only one.

You are NOT crazy. This happens. You are not alone.

18280802_10208845007314754_1932360827_n It's Okay to Admit You're Not "Okay"

18280802_10208845007314754_1932360827_n It's Okay to Admit You're Not "Okay"

What’s in My Hospital Bag 

img_6942 What's in My Hospital Bag 
Well, now that I have actually had my baby and am incredibly behind on posting this…I figured it’s a good time to finally get this post written out and published!!

I literally started typing out this blog post the week I had my daughter. Not only that, I had finally finished packing my darn hospital bag! Can we say, procrastination? 😂 Hey, it’s how I work and at least I still was able to get the photos taken for this post.

With my first pregnancy, I packed A LOT of things that I didn’t need. I packed a lot less this time but even then…I didn’t use a lot of what we brought. I give birth rather quickly, so I don’t really have time to use everything. 😂 I will go over what I packed and what I didn’t need.

1. Nursing tanks and bras – I was not smart enough to bring these with me when I gave birth the first time. Why? I have no idea. But I didn’t bring them and it would’ve been smart too. The second time around, I didn’t even use them because I wore a different kind of gown and just walked around without a bra ok underneath. As for the tank tops, the best ones are the ones you find at target that are camis with the built in bra. Those worked the best for me…I don’t mess with those nursing tanks that have clips and what not. Also pictured are some socks with the little grippers at the bottom. Kind of like slipper socks. Brought those in case my feet got cold while in bed and if I was too lazy to look for my slippers (they always got kicked under the bed by nurses) I could still get up and move around.

img_6942 What's in My Hospital Bag 
2. Gown/Robe – for my first birth, I just used the gowns they gave me in the hospital. They’re not horrible but it felt nice being able to use something of my own to hang out in and sleep in. A gown and robe was perfect. Use the gown they give you to give birth in and once you’re all clean, you can get comfy in your own clothes. That was very nice! I also brought some slippers with me because I want to be comfy. There aren’t any carpets/rugs are the hospital (obviously) so avoiding that cold, hard floor is good.

img_6942 What's in My Hospital Bag 

3. Tennis balls –
I didn’t plan to have a natural birth the first time so I didn’t even need these. As for my second birth, I planned to go all natural. I read many blogs and heard that using tennis balls to massage the lower back will really help and alleviate the pain of the contractions. Same with using a birthing ball (not pictured). But of course, I didn’t use either of these things because…I labored mostly at home and was at the hospital for a total of 19 minutes before my daughter was born. 😳

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4. Hygiene products & makeup –
I really didn’t think I’d need too much makeup but I wanted it…just in case. The first time, I brought makeup and didn’t even touch it. The second time, I brought makeup but I used very minimal the day we left the hospital. As for hygiene products like deodorant and toothbrushes/toothpaste…the hospital gives you a lot of things. They actually give you ALL of that stuff including shampoo, body wash, and conditioner. But, if you’re like me, you can find comfort in using your own things from home. Plus, by not using the toothbrush they gave me, my hubby had one to use! For some reason, we were smart enough to pack my bag and my daughter’s bag but didn’t think to pack the daddy bag! Definitely pack one! The most important makeup product would have to be CHAPSTICK. I need chapstick all the time and being in the hospital…you’ll just want it even more. I even brought some extras…lanolin and tucks pads. Trust me, both are great. I also had coconut oil with me (not pictured) which I ended up using over the lanolin. More natural was the way I chose to go with what I was putting on my nipples and into baby’s mouth. Also, a note with the makeup. If I were to use it, I didn’t bring my most expensive items. My high end makeup stayed home for the most part or I grabbed things that were small in size. More like…travel sized items. They were perfect.

img_6942 What's in My Hospital Bag img_6942 What's in My Hospital Bag 

5. Hair ties & bobby pins –
something so simple…but important! Okay, maybe not super important but my first time, I had short hair. Bobby pins were a must to get my hair out of my face. This time, I have long hair so hair ties were going to be my go-to during labor. Well, never used them again because I just went into the hospital and delivered fairly quickly. Hair was down, in my face, and I was a sweaty mess. Oh well. 😂

img_6942 What's in My Hospital Bag 

6. Post partum girdle –
I had heard many great things about wearing a post partum girdle from a few bloggers/vloggers and I figured, “why not?” Well, after my first birth, I got a band from Amazon. Problem is, I got it a couple weeks after my son was born and I didn’t even order the correct size. It was way too tight on me and well, I was a bit “fluffier” after my first so it wasn’t comfortable to wear when I felt like my fat was spilling out over the top. I did, however, manage to plan ahead. I ordered the B.F.F. band from Belly Bandit and it was highly recommended by many bloggers and on Instagram accounts including Diary of a Fit Mommy. The funny thing is, I used it for literally…2 days and it was too big on me. Either I got the wrong size or I snapped back rather quickly. Make sure you measure your belly when you’re supposed to!! The site will help you out with that.

img_6942 What's in My Hospital Bag 
7. Snacks – we packed a few snacks for us (mainly for me) to keep me going during labor. Some hospitals don’t let you eat because in the off chance you have an emergency c-section, there’s a chance of asphyxiation while in surgery. Well…I’m not about to go through hours upon hours of labor and not be properly fueled. That’s just dumb. At least it is in my opinion! So we had a few items with us and I had looked up some recommendations on what to bring. Granola bars are perfect and rice cakes. Honey to help with the glucose levels and food that is NOT heavy or colored red…just in case you throw up. You don’t want it to look like there’s blood in your vomit. Again…I didn’t use these either time. At least…not during labor. They were great for snacks while in recovery!!

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8. Clothes – make sure you bring clothes to leave the hospital in! And make sure you bring clothes that are going to be comfortable to leave in. I mean, unless you’re superwoman, don’t assume you’re going to be back to the same size you were before you got pregnant. You’re going to be a bit swollen still and your uterus is still working it’s way back down. I was actually pleasantly surprised this time around how I bounced back a lot better than my first. The first time I pretty much looked like I was still 6 months….maybe 7 months pregnant. I had also gained an awful amount of weight. Anyway, this time, with a due date of November I knew that it could be pretty warm or it could be chilly when I gave birth. So, I planned accordingly. A maxi dress, a cardigan, leggings, and a long sleeve button up. All can be interchanged to make an outfit. I ended up giving birth in October this time and walked out in the maxi dress. It was quite comfortable!

9. Depends – unfortunately, I don’t have this pictured. But you all know what they are. In the hospital, you’re going to be given HUGE and I do mean huge pads. Among those you will receive the wonderful mesh underwear. You may or may not fit into the underwear you wore before but I didn’t. Especially not the first birth. I wore that mesh underwear like it was going out of style! Whatever, I just had a baby and my lady bits needed some healing. Second time, I had depends. I forgot who gave me the idea but it was a friend of mine and it was a GREAT idea. Seriously, get them and try them out. You’ll thank me later. 😜

10. Diffuser & Essential Oils – I was so excited about this one. I knew I wanted to use a diffuser and essential oils to help set the mood in the delivery room. I was going to labor through my contractions, have some oils diffusing to help keep me calm, and to use some oils to help with the pain. You guessed it – I didn’t use them. With my insta-births there was no way I was going to be able to use them! Although, I do use a diffuser most nights anyway so it was nice to have a little lavender at night while I stayed the night at the hospital.

img_6942 What's in My Hospital Bag 
 What not to bring: a lot of people made lists of what to bring and I thought about it but…I didn’t need a lot of what was on people’s lists. Obviously, it’s up to you what you bring and what you feel you might need. Consider this blog post just a helpful list of things to get you started. But here’s a few things that I either read or was told to bring that I just didn’t feel were necessary.

  1. Blanket – ask the hospital staff for more if you really need more
  2. Pillow – see above
  3. Valuables – if you’re anything like me, you’ll lose them
  4. A lot of cash – literally just bring a few bucks if you feel like you need it (I left the house without my wallet and I didn’t feel like I really needed it)

Honestly, the list is pretty short. But you’ll figure out what you need and don’t need. Also, don’t forget cameras, phones, and chargers. Those are going to be pretty important!

I hope this helps some of you get started as you’re trying to figure out what to bring to the hospital. I’ll be posting again with things in the diaper bag! Be sure to be on the look out for that! 👀 Thanks for coming by and checking out my blog!!

Much love,

img_6942 What's in My Hospital Bag 

img_6942 What's in My Hospital Bag 

Welcome! My Birth Story 

Welcome to the world, Juniper! 😍

img_5988 Welcome! My Birth Story 
This beautiful, little girl came roaring into this world yesterday morning. It all started at 6am when I felt a punch in my cervix. My water broke and it woke me up. It didn’t break all over the bed or anything but I went to pee to make sure and my husband got up and walked around the house with me. He actually sat down to play video games while I paced around the house. Then I realized I was having contractions and it was time to start getting things together. Aston was still sleeping and we figured he would be waking up soon so we let him sleep while we got ready and started timing contractions. Not much time passes, Aston is up eating breakfast, I texted Kassie and she came to pick up Aston, I text and call Nicole and let her know this is happening, and I told Jonathan it’s time to go. Got everything out of the house and I was on my way. I even said to him, “I’m not going to make it to the hospital.” I grabbed a trash bag to put on the seat of the car if I needed it. I was seriously convinced that I was going to give birth in the way there. Hubby sped down the freeway and followed a cop the entire way (who happened to also be speeding) and when we got there, they came out with a wheelchair for me. It was 8:01 and I got a text from Nicole and I responded with “wheeling me in right now.” They asked me a few questions, got me into the triage room, and I told the nurse “I need to push.” She told me to get on the bed so she can check me and I could barely do it. I fought through a contraction and Jonathan was rubbing my back and pushing my hips together. And I guess I was dripping blood while I stood there (he told me about it later). She checked me and I was 9cm and immediately rolled my bed into delivery. Jonathan let them know that last time I was in labor for less than 3 hours and the nurse called down to another and said, “she has her babies fast!” And the other one said, “oh yay!! This will be fun!” Lol. We get into the room and I had to transfer beds. I had originally planned to walk through my contractions and to be squatting or on my knees on the bed during delivery. I had to deliver at the hospital, couldn’t have a home birth, and had to follow a lot of Navy rules (I am active duty) but I knew I could have the natural birth I wanted under any circumstances. BUT the most comfortable position for me? Oh my back. I wasn’t moving…no way. 😂 my husband talked to the doctors and the nurses and expressed everything we wanted for this birth and what we didn’t want. Everyone was amazing. They listened to our wishes and communicated everything with us. My hubby was a rockstar at being a great advocate for me and was an amazing birth partner. 😍 As for me, I wanted to push. At this point I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to do this. I doubted myself for a second but it didn’t matter…this baby was coming. They told me not to push for a minute so I was trying my best not to and I would thrust my hips up with every contraction. The doctor reminded me that I needed to not do that otherwise I would risk tearing worse. And let me tell you…it was very difficult to not do that. But I did it. And then it was time to push. 

With my first, I had gotten an epidural and I didn’t even push. They had vacuumed him out and I felt useless. So, that’s why I chose a natural birth this time around. But because of that…I didn’t know how to push. 😂 There was an amazing nurse on my left that was trying to explain to me how. And I think it helped. I was making a lot of noises during this process. Nothing too crazy at first. I yelled a bit, a few “Ah’s” were coming out. And then I heard the doctor tell my husband, “okay, she’s not moving and he heartbeat has drastically dropped. We NEED to get this baby out. She needs to push. I’m going to put the vacuum on her for just a second and then take it off.” Jonathan agreed and told me I needed to push. I pushed and her head was out. And the doc removed the vacuum. It sucks that the vacuum was used but had he not, that would have been worse. But I’m thankful he took it off immediately. Then I remember being told to give one really big push…

I screamed. I pushed. And what felt like 10 minutes was the most excruciating pain I had ever felt in my life. I honestly felt like my body was being torn in half and then she was out and my body could relax. The tension was gone and all of a sudden I was overcome with a feeling of relief and then I was just in shock. I did it. And you know what? That 10 minutes….was literally a few seconds. They handed me my baby girl and laid her on my chest. She cried as she was coming out, the umbilical cord was around her leg but they got it unwrapped, and she was on me…I was staring at her. Again, I was in shock. I couldn’t believe it. I felt every bit of pain and every bit of her. We chose to do delayed cord clamping and my husband and I were just in awe. 

img_5988 Welcome! My Birth Story 
I did it. The girl who can’t watch someone take her blood or get a shot…someone who has an extremely low pain tolerance…gave birth naturally. Just like I wanted. It didn’t matter that I couldn’t have my home birth or a water birth. It didn’t matter that I couldn’t birth with a midwife or that I didn’t have a doula…I listened to my body. I was in tune with my body. All those weeks and months of preparation, reading, prayer, being at peace, and just finding balance in my life is what made me get through this. And having my amazing husband with me through it. Have your birth how you want it. You are in control. ❤️️

Oh, and remember what time I got to the hospital? 8:01am… our baby girl was born at 8:20am. 19 minutes later. A lot can happen in 19 minutes! 

The goal was a healing birth. And I have been healed. 

img_5988 Welcome! My Birth Story 

The End of the First Trimester

img_1587 The End of the First Trimester

The first part of a series of documenting my second pregnancy.

I didn’t do much documenting with my first pregnancy with my son. I didn’t really know what to write about and I was in this weird stage of trying to figure out what kind of blog I wanted to have…but that doesn’t matter. I have a blog as an outlet. To talk about my feelings and how my life is and to just have somewhere to dump all of my emotions so that I don’t scream at the next person who speaks to me. So, I will just write about my pregnancy, here.

Unfortunately, I didn’t write anything about this pregnancy until literally the END of the first trimester, but we weren’t really telling anyone about it yet. Most people don’t want to tell anyone in the first trimester that they are pregnant (especially if they had already experienced a miscarriage) because miscarriages are quite common in the beginning. So common, that almost 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, with the majority occurring during the first 12 weeks. There is a 75% chance of miscarriage in weeks 1-2 of pregnancy, when you do not know you are pregnant. There is a 10% chance of miscarriage in weeks 3-6 and this number drops to 5% during weeks 6-12. That’s kind of a big deal. Anyone can see why most families tend to share the news AFTER the ultrasound.

Okay, I lied.

So, that’s what we did. We did it with Aston and we decided to wait for this one too. I was so happy to see that everything was okay and our little peanut was moving around in there. Arm buds and all. 😛 I found out I was pregnant when I was maybe…about 4 weeks along. Seriously, we experienced a loss in January and the next month, I was pregnant again. I was keeping track and told my husband that I wouldn’t take a pregnancy test again so soon. Okay, I lied. We had been trying for another baby and I was too excited when I didn’t get my period! And, it was positive. WOO HOO!

Went into medical the following Monday to be sure and yes, another positive test. HCG levels were pretty high and I was on cloud nine. But, we didn’t want to say anything to anyone.

6 LONG weeks later, we were finally able to get an ultrasound done and we announced the big news!

Related: And Then There Were Four…

The first few weeks after finding out I was pregnant was a bit rough. And what I mean by few I mean like…the past 8 weeks. I never got sick with Aston. No morning sickness. I believe I had about 2 days of nausea and it literally felt like it was just the flu, not a human being growing inside of me. But this time is slightly different. I am still nursing Aston in the evenings and weekends, basically whenever I am home with him. So, there’s the nursing and then there’s the normal fatigue that comes with pregnancy. The first trimester just blows when it comes to energy levels.

I come home every night and pretty much just pass out with Aston. Play with Aston a little bit when we get home then it’s time for him to take a nap so I nurse him and I either watch TV or pass out with him. And when I try to get up to do anything, he flips out. Apparently, it’s his time to be with mama. That’s fine. I like to get my snuggles in when I can.

Nope. You did it once this week. Don’t you dare try again.

But working out, yeah. I didn’t work out at first because I was afraid to. I know very well that working out doesn’t cause miscarriages. But when you start bleeding WHILE you are at the gym, you kind of worry a little bit and this time I just stopped. Probably a stupid idea, but I was all in my head and I just didn’t want to risk it. So, I didn’t. I did try to start working out again and I would do one day but then my body was like, “Nope. You did it once this week. Don’t you dare try again.” And I would just be in pain for a few days and I would get sick. I was just done. So, the first trimester has been difficult for me. Not the regular difficult like most moms go through but…finding the time and energy while working full time, having a 14 month old at home, and growing another baby is hard! Anyone who says it’s easy is lying to you. No joke. But, you can make it through. That’s what I am finally starting to do.

And eating well? Forget that. For the first few weeks, anytime I even looked at a vegetable, I wanted to vomit. That is clearly not healthy and not like me at all. This baby is definitely a different one than his or her big brother. But I am working on it. Trying not to give into the cravings is really hard but I cannot let myself gain over 60 pounds again like I did with Aston. It’s not fun. It’s really hard to get everything you worked so hard for back! Trust me.

I’m not even fully at the end of this trimester but I am almost there. The first trimester seems to just fly by. Before I know it, I will be in the third trimester and then having my baby and into the fourth trimester I go! Oh man…that’s scary all on it’s own!

 

(Written 2 weeks prior to publishing)

img_1587 The End of the First Trimester

And Then There Were Four…

12973018_10205948156655298_5075545641529279649_o And Then There Were Four...

Now that the entire family and the Facebook world knows the good news, I can share it publicly…anywhere I want. Including this blog. 🙂

That’s right, Aston is going to be a big brother! And we are all so excited!

I did post the other day (April Fool’s day to be exact) and I talked about my experience with miscarriage. It’s a sad thing for anyone to have to go through at any point in their lives. But it’s also something real. It does happen. And I will not dismiss it and act like it didn’t happen.

I know that God will use that situation as a reminder or a lesson at some point in my life. we mourned our loss and we moved forward. And you know what? It’s okay to move forward too. Some people may think that it’s not okay to just move on past what just happened to you, but it really is okay! There is no sense in dwelling on the things that you cannot change. Especially something that happened beyond your control.

So, here we are, now with baby #2 on the way. And it’s such fantastic news! Hubby wants a girl and I want another boy. Let’s be honest, I want a boy because I already have all of the baby boy things and I don’t need to go out and buy all the extra stuff then! 😛 But for real, I don’t care as long as we have a healthy and happy little baby. Isn’t that all any parent really hopes for?

This baby will be a fall baby. He or she is due on November 1st and we are pretty excited. Not only that, I am so excited about that fact that I will get an entire 18 weeks of maternity leave! The military changed some things around over the past couple years and I made the cut off by a few days. It’s pretty fantastic. When I had Aston, I was home for 6 weeks and then took an additional 2 weeks of my own time off to stay with him. I wasn’t ready. I really was NOT ready to go back to work after only 8 short weeks with him. And I have missed him every moment since.

Of course, I still see him every night when I get home from work and on my lunch breaks if I take them, but I love being home with him. Yeah, I get the crazies every now and then when I am home with him all day, but I assume eventually you get used to it! 😛

Anyway, there’s the announcement. I am so excited and feeling incredibly blessed to be having this little peanut growing inside of me. Such a gift to be able to carry a child not just once but twice. <3

12973018_10205948156655298_5075545641529279649_o And Then There Were Four...

12973018_10205948156655298_5075545641529279649_o And Then There Were Four...

Pregnancy Woes and Worries

10403521_1032432426773288_7872237651078672316_n Pregnancy Woes and Worries

Alright, it’s getting close to GAME TIME. No, I am not talking about the Super Bowl on Sunday. The Packers aren’t playing, so who cares anyway? 😛

February 27th (my due date) is fast approaching and I am feeling a bit of anxiety.

I went to the OB yesterday and found that I am 1cm dialated, baby is head down, and he is estimated to weigh about 5.5-6 lbs right now. No big deal…I could be at 1cm for the next 4 weeks and I would be fine, I’m sure. But the issue here is…

my husband will be leaving on a detachment on February 5th-13th.

Sure. It’s only an 8 day detachment but he’s leaving RIGHT before the due date and with my family history, I just have a feeling I am going to have this baby while he’s gone. 🙁

I know, I know. It was my choice to join the military as it was his and we knew what was involved with it. There are MANY moms that go through this alone and their husbands are gone on DEPLOYMENT. I totally get it. But that doesn’t mean I am more settled because there’s a chance my husband might miss the birth. Especially when it’s NOT a deployment.

Sometimes, you just get screwed, hard, and there’s nothing you can really do about it. It truly sucks.

I’m just having a few panicky moments here and there when it comes to this. I mean, my best friend leaves on Friday and goes off to spend the next 3 years or so in Jacksonville and I won’t be able to call her to come pick me up if I go into labor. Anyone else I could call? They live right by the hospital and it would be crazy for me to have them drive from out there, over to me and then BACK to the hospital! That would just take so much time! Ambulance? Yeah, there’s a different system for things like that considering I live on base. And our base doesn’t do deliveries in their hospital anymore…if they did, I would drive my happy ass the whole 3 minutes there.

I know. I have been lucky. My husband has been around for the entire pregnancy. He’s been able to help me around the house when I needed it, helped with the nursery, lifted things I couldn’t, etc. But honestly? If I have our little boy while he’s gone, I would trade the entire 9 months of my husband being home for him to be there for the birth. I’m not the only one disappointed about it…my husband is really upset that he’s leaving.

Especially since he is leaving the command in A MONTH. UGH.

Anyway…my random rant is over. Let’s just hope our baby boy likes staying in there and won’t come out until Daddy comes home! Just hold out until Valentine’s Day little man! Your Daddy wants to meet you on your first day here! You can do it!!

10403521_1032432426773288_7872237651078672316_n Pregnancy Woes and Worries

10403521_1032432426773288_7872237651078672316_n Pregnancy Woes and Worries

10403521_1032432426773288_7872237651078672316_n Pregnancy Woes and Worries

My 10 Best of 2014

img_1774 My 10 Best of 2014

Here we are! New Year’s Eve and a new year headed our way!

Oh man, 2014 has been a HUGE year for me. I knew on my 25th birthday in January, that 25 was going to be a good year. 🙂

But you know what? 2015 is looking pretty good too! With the new year quickly approaching…I have been thinking a lot about this past year. Mainly, while I sit at my desk at work and distract my brain from falling asleep at the desk or while I am in my baby boy’s nursery setting it up.

Since I only started blogging at the end of September, you will learn quite a bit! So, here are MY best moments of 2014.

1. I learned that I can live on a Vegan diet….JUUUUST fine!
January 1st, 2014…I started the Beachbody Ultimate Reset. It’s 21 days of supplementation and learning how to tweak your diet. Cutting out certain foods and other bad things in your body. It also cleanses your body and helps you to get rid of the toxins. So, I made it through it and learned that there are things that I can eat that I won’t hate so much! I never knew I liked hummus, oranges, tempeh, lentils, and other awesome foods. I actually plan to do the Beachbody Ultimate Reset again after I have the baby to get my body back!!! It WILL work! And I will be talking ALLLLLLL about it in here! 🙂 Get ready.
img_1774 My 10 Best of 2014 img_1774 My 10 Best of 2014

2. I reached a 15.2% in body fat.
Over the past couple years, I have kicked my own ass to get in shape. I was fairly big before I joined the Navy and I lost quite a bit of weight in boot camp and the year after. It was a goal of mine to just get fit and healthy and I finally was getting there! I have talked a lot about weight and how numbers aren’t what is important. They really aren’t. BUT when I found this out, it was nice to know the major difference that had happened in a year. I started lifting more weights and getting smart about what I put into my body and it showed a major difference! Also, I was able to do different things that I never thought I would before.
img_1774 My 10 Best of 2014 img_1774 My 10 Best of 2014
img_1774 My 10 Best of 2014

3. I got my first NEW car.
2014 Toyota Corolla is MINE. I traded in my Honda for a new car. I have never had a new car before and it actually is more beneficial to me to have a newer car than the one I had before. Who wants to keep paying for a car that’s not even worth what I’m paying!? NOT ME. So I traded up. 🙂 My first car was super nice. A handmedown from my dear mother when my dad bought a new car and she got his. It was 2007 when I got the car and it was a 2001 Corolla. I really like Toyota’s. Unfortunately, I got into a car accident in 2011 and bought a 2000 Chevy Cavalier with the money I got from the insurance company after the accident. Then I joined the Navy and I wanted a car when I lived in the middle of nowhere. I still live there in case you’re wondering. So, I ended up with a 2004 Honda Accord. It was definitely time to trade up once I realized my car was 10 years old and I owed way too much on it. SO, there’s that story! haha. Thanks to the hubs for the help!!
img_1774 My 10 Best of 2014

4. I got to go to Hawaii.
Unfortunately, I went to Hawaii because I was on a short cruise on a Navy ship. But fortunately, I basically got to go to Hawaii for free. It’s not like I had to sail or fly there and pay out of pocket. lol. It was for RIMPAC. Maybe you heard about RIMPAC when you watched the movie Battleship. No…there aren’t any alien robots involved. Sorry to burst your bubble. It’s a Navy training exercise with other countries’ Navy’s. And really, I didn’t even get to do the RIMPAC part! lol. You will see why in #5. It was fun (Hawaii). And I got to have fun with my boyfriend (now husband).
img_1774 My 10 Best of 2014
img_1774 My 10 Best of 2014

5. We found out we were having a baby!
Jonathan and I were actually on our way out of Hawaii on the ship when I found out I was pregnant. That explains all of the tired nights in Hawaii and the cravings for carbs! haha. It was definitely surprising and exciting news. 🙂 There were a few complications (with work and the baby) along the way but we are now headed into 32 weeks!! And when I was about 20 weeks, we found out we were having a boy! Love it! Now, I just need to get his nursery set up and finish getting everything together for this little tike!
img_1774 My 10 Best of 2014

6. We got engaged!
After Jonathan got home from RIMPAC, we spent about 2 weeks together and we both hopped a plane to Wisconsin and then to New York to meet the families. It was AMAZING meeting the families. BUUUUTTT, Hubby dearest had another thing in mind! When we were in New York, he took me to Taughanook Falls and proposed!!! It was incredibly beautiful!!! By the way, that word is pronounced TUH-gan-nuck. 🙂 Just thought I would help you out. 😉
img_1774 My 10 Best of 2014 img_1774 My 10 Best of 2014

7. We got married!!!
I became a wife! Planned a small ceremony in Manhattan Beach and had a few friends there and it was absolutely perfect. My dad even Skyped me while wearing a suit and was able to walk me down the aisle. It was amazing. We actually were engaged for a total of 25 days by the time we were married. It only took about 2 weeks to plan for the wedding. And you know what? It still was the most beautiful day of my life!!! If you want to read about our beautiful day, you’re more than welcome to here. I wrote a little bit about it when I first started this blog.
img_1774 My 10 Best of 2014

8. We moved into a house.
Well, we didn’t buy a huge house or anything…it’s a house provided for us on base. It’s also nothing fancy but it’s better than the one bedroom apartment that we were in previously. It’s a big deal to me. I feel like I am all grown up. How weird. lol. We moved into the house the weekend after we got married. It’s really like my life turned into some sort of a fairytale. A little backwards at times but it is so great. I love our home together.  <3
img_1774 My 10 Best of 2014

9. I started a blog.
‘Really?’ YES. I started a blog…I’ve had one for years but this one is way different. 🙂 One I actually write in more often and care to talk to people about. I also am more out there for once. It’s nice. 🙂 It’s actually a big deal that I started a serious one this year. I will be able to use this blog as an outlet for my emotions, take a break from life, learn from others about how to be a good mommy, and also to be able to inspire people in their health and fitness. So, I hope that 2015 will bring some awesome life experiences to talk about!

10. Welcome to our family Miss Violet!
Hubs and I got a puppy this year!! Her name is Violet and I am pretty sure I wrote an entire post…or 5 about her. She will be 4 months old on the 3rd and she has blessed my life immensely. She’s teaching me a lot about parenting and patience. Violet is the cutest puppy I have ever seen and I never knew I was a dog person!! Guess I am now! 🙂 I regret nothing about getting her and every day, I look at her and say “I am so happy we found you.” I love her. 🙂
img_1774 My 10 Best of 2014

Well, that’s all I’ve got for now!! 10 big moments of 2014! Wow. That’s more than I thought! I could probably write a few more but I will leave it at the 10. I don’t want to bore the crap out of my beautiful readers. 😉 Looking back, this makes me think that 2015 is going to be lame! Let’s hope not…I mean…I know what #1 on next year’s list will be! I get to become a Mommy. 🙂 I CAN’T WAIT!

BRING IT ON, 2015! I AM READY!!!!

Are you?!

img_1774 My 10 Best of 2014

img_1774 My 10 Best of 2014

Challenge Group- Update 1

Days 1-4 an update on how mama is staying fit!!
img_1440 Challenge Group- Update 1

Alright, so this challenge is for the last 15 days in 2014. I talked about it in a previous post…here.

On Monday, I did pretty good. Did well with my food for the day and I even worked out after class. Remember that Holiday Sale that happened with Beachbody? I talked about the Les Mills Pump workout that I ordered and I can finally do it. I was so excited. The workout for the night was Pump and Burn. And boy did it burn! I haven’t really lifted too much lately and I actually made it through the entire 30 minutes (minus abs). I don’t do abs because well, my muscles are kind of in different places now that the baby has taken ove rmy abdomen area. Anyway, in just 30 minutes or less, I worked on deadlifts, squats, shoulders, power cleans, presses, and chest. It was amazing. I definitely felt it the next day! Funny thing is…I only did about 15 lbs!! When I was working every single day before the pregnancy…I was definitely lifting a lot more weight! Oh well. I will get back eventually.

img_1440 Challenge Group- Update 1 img_1440 Challenge Group- Update 1

Tuesday…I was sick. I felt sick all day. I don’t know what happened. So, I didn’t bother working out at all. I ate well throughout most of the day, but once I got home, I didn’t. I was at least able to do the “homework.” We had to post our alter ego. I don’t really have one. So, I did what I do best. Turned to the hubby for some ideas. He called me Superwoman. And since I am pregnant, it reminded me of this photo.
img_1440 Challenge Group- Update 1
Okay, it’s Wonderwoman. But it still works!

Wednesday (yesterday), I was feeling so-so throughout the day. I was looking things up and realized that you can become anemic during pregnancy. I might have been feeling so tired and sick because I didn’t have enough Iron in my diet. Imagine that! It’s no wonder I was feeling a bit better after I ate my Lentil Lime Salad…lentils are full of iron!
img_1440 Challenge Group- Update 1
Because I was feeling better with more iron in my system and a lot of water, I decided I would do a short workout. I did the Les Mills Combat 30 Live. It’s my favorite. Punching, kicking, sweating…I felt good when I was done. The “homework” was posting a “sweaty selfie.” No problem, boss. Sweaty selfie it is!  
img_1440 Challenge Group- Update 1 img_1440 Challenge Group- Update 1

Today, I am sitting at work with not much to do so I have been blogging. Go figure. Blogging and hitting up Twitter to see who has posted interesting things recently! Whatever, I have a good time doing it, so why not? BUT for our “homework” assignment for the challenge group was to post a photo of you and your Shakeology shake in a Christmas-like manner. Well, I took my photo before I got to work and didn’t know it had to be Christmas-y! I thought…and thought…and thought….AND CAME UP WITH AN IDEA! Clicked on that little yellow icon on my iPhone6…ya know. The one with the little ghost on it? Yes, that one. Loaded my photo and then drew a little Santa drawing on my photo. Yes. Snapchat, saved the day! I was able to get an “A” on the homework for the day! Still eating pretty clean today as well and I will be doing another Pump workout this evening. I can’t wait. 🙂
img_1440 Challenge Group- Update 1 img_1440 Challenge Group- Update 1

What are you doing to jumpstart your New Year? Any resolutions? I am starting now. Why not?!

img_1440 Challenge Group- Update 1

img_1440 Challenge Group- Update 1

Third Trimester Crazies

img_1110 Third Trimester Crazies

Yup. I have hit the 3rd timester. And there is NOTHING wrong with being at this stage in the game, so please don’t misunderstand the title. There are just a few things going on these days that I didn’t expect!

As many of you know, this is my first pregnancy and so far, so good! My weight gain has been pretty good, steady. No morning sickness in the first trimester and the hubby isn’t running around at 2am to find me some Ben & Jerry’s Americone Dream ice cream (although I am sure he would). My cravings have been just normal. And the only thing that has changed with my diet is, my taste buds hate most veggies and fruit…which is really unfortunate considering I ate those all the time before I was preggo!

Other than that, it’s been a pretty smooth pregnancy.

My back started hurting when I hit the 2nd trimester but I think that’s simply because my belly was sitting so low and it was pulling my ligaments. And now, I am bigger so it hurts and sciatica kicks in. I bet most people don’t know about sciatic until they are pregnant. I sure didn’t. But when I went to the doctor on Friday, I was given a belly band to wear and it’s supposed to help lift the belly up and support my back. The hubby tends to hold my belly up when he stands behind me to hug me sometimes. And just so you know, it works. Relieves a lot of pressure and feels great.

As for right now. I am feeling the wrath of tiredness! Call me Sleepy, because I could fall asleep at my desk every 5 minutes. After I eat, I start to doze off and it’s actually pretty funny. I’m sure if someone was sitting in the office with me, they would be laughing at how many times I go bobbing for apples!

It’s crazy how tiring it can be to grow a human. I’m not even joking. I didn’t realize it would even take THAT much energy out of me. They say that the baby is growing the fastest during this time. He will be puttong on most of his muscle and fat and just forming the rest of his body to prepare for birth.

I feel him kicking like crazy. Maybe it’s not even kicking. He could just be moving around in there, testing out his arms and legs, fingers and toes, just trying to see if everything is working right! I think sometimes he just punches things because he feels like it. Also, my husband and I make jokes that he’s doing handstands, pushups, and backflips in there. We workout a lot (especially the hubby) so we joke around and say how active our little boy is. He definitely loves dancing on my bladder!

Speaking of bladder…I am running to the bathroom so much more these days! I mean, it only makes sense! He’s getting bigger and the room he has is just getting smaller. So he is going to be pushing against things in there! haha.

Everyone tells me, you never feel ready for the baby. The entire time you’re a parent, you won’t feel like you’re ready. Well, if that’s true, then I can relax a little. I feel like there is so little time to get things done and to get things prepared for our boy! We have the nursery painted, the crib is put together, and we have clothes and diapers for him. We have other things too but I don’t know what exactly we need!!

Here’s what we have so far:
1. Jogging stroller with infant carseat
2. Crib and mattress
3. High Chair
4. Swing
5. Bouncer
6. Diaper Genie
7. Wipe Warmer
8. 2 Diaper bags
9. Diapers (sizes nb-4)
10. Baby clothes, numerous sizes
11. 4 swaddlers, 3 swaddle bankets
12. a few blankets
13. some teething toys
14. books
15. a couple random bottles

img_1110 Third Trimester Crazies

We probably have more than that, but I can’t think of it all at the moment. I just feel like we need a lot more stuff. And this weekend, I need to get a breast pump. In case you were wondering, those things aren’t cheap! And the reason we have a lot of the stuff above is because of B/S/T sites. Let’s face it, people have babies everyday. So, there’s bound to be plenty of mamas out there willing to sell their old things to make room for newer and bigger things as their kids grow up! And I will surely take advantage of that.

But then again. I have to remember. Like I just said…mamas have babies every day. They’ve been having babies since the beginning of time and people have survived. Clearly, we have better technology now to aid in the process but…mamas, have babies. So, all in all, I need to stop stressing. Our little boy will be here soon enough and I can go ahead and stress about the next 18+ years of his life. lol

Until next time,
img_1110 Third Trimester Crazies

img_1110 Third Trimester Crazies

Challenge Groups – 15 Days of AWESOME

img_1399 Challenge Groups - 15 Days of AWESOME img_1399 Challenge Groups - 15 Days of AWESOME

For those of you who have been around since I started this blog, you know that I am a Beachbody Coach. For those of you who are new, you can click on the link and read about it there!

When you’re a coach, there is a community of other coaches that are either your “upline” coaches who are paving the way for you or your “downline” coaches who are the people that are looking up to you and following in your footsteps.

Lucky for me, I joined an AWESOME team of individuals who are going hard for their goals, changing their lives, and helping others experience that same awesomness. It’s no wonder I was attracted to being a part of the team back in June 2013.

Slowly but surely, I have been making my way into the “biz” a little bit more each day. I was even able to participate in a challenge group run by our upline coach! The rules are simple, post every day, do the “homework” that is asked, drink Shakeology daily, and to post a before and after photo!

I REALLY wanted to participate but since I am pregnant, I had no idea how I was going to participate in this challenge. My amazing coach, Jamie, ended up sending in an extra entry fee for me and came up with a way for me to participate. I sent in my before photos and it turns out…I have lost A LOT of muscle that I spent the past year building! So, the next 15 days are dedicated to eating right and working on those legs and arms!

Yes, these photos are a bit embarrassing but I think it’s best to be as open as possible with all of my readers. I am also a huge goofball, so I make faces when I take the photos. The weight may not go anywhere since I have a little over 10.5 weeks left in my pregnancy but I plan to make these legs look sexy again! Plus, it will help me get back into it after baby boy gets here.

img_1399 Challenge Groups - 15 Days of AWESOME img_1399 Challenge Groups - 15 Days of AWESOME

What’s my plan?
I am doing Les Mills Pump. I talked about this in my post about the huge Holiday Sale that was going on at the end of November. Pump focuses on light weight and high repitition to get that beautifully toned muscle that you want. I am mainly focusing on these legs! Squats do wonders (from what I hear) for labor. SO, why not?! Anything that will help get this huge baby out! My husband was a 10 pounder so I am assuming out “little” boy won’t be so little after all! Also, I will be doing Les Mills Combat…because I love it. Haha. The weighted gloves will also really help me with my arms. 🙂

Today is day one and I look forward to trying out Pump tonight for the first time in months. I’m tired of being tired and lazy. I need to make a change. So, why not start now? It’s never too late to start. Plus, whatever I do good for me will be good for baby.

Get ready to hear more and see more photos in the next 15 days! 🙂

img_1399 Challenge Groups - 15 Days of AWESOME img_1399 Challenge Groups - 15 Days of AWESOME

img_1399 Challenge Groups - 15 Days of AWESOME

Bonus photo: Here’s what I looked like right before pregnancy.
img_1399 Challenge Groups - 15 Days of AWESOME img_1399 Challenge Groups - 15 Days of AWESOME

And this is me at about 11 weeks pregnant!
img_1399 Challenge Groups - 15 Days of AWESOME

img_1399 Challenge Groups - 15 Days of AWESOME