It’s Okay to Admit You’re Not “Okay”

*Please note: This is a sensitive and real thing that I went through. It was not easy to write and some parts may make you think I am a horrible person…but if you continue reading, I hope that you will understand. Thank you. <3

Did you know that today is World Maternal Mental Health Day?

It is! It has been declared the first Wednesday in May and I’ve been given signs for a long time now, to share my story. Even more signs popped up in the past few days. It’s something I have never really shared with people and if I did it wasn’t in depth, but I wanted to share this in hopes of someone reading it will know that they’re not alone.

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Photo: Amanda Glenn Photography

This here is a photo of a mother who absolutely loves and adores her child.

This is also a photo of a mother who had/has a hard time with this adorable, little babe.

And I don’t just mean, had a hard time adjusting to motherhood. That, alone, was a battle. But I went through stages of anger, fits, rage, crying, sadness, and hopelessness…and I didn’t know or understand why.

This tiny baby would cry because he was hungry or wanted to be close to me. I had fed him, changed him, burped him, took clothes off, put more clothes back on, rocked him, swayed him, swaddled him, hugged him, wore him…and nothing was working. I feel like this is something quite common. And when you can’t figure out what’s going on with your baby, it’s perfectly normal to cry! Instead, I got angry. I was filled with rage when I couldn’t get him to stop. Following the feelings of anger and rage, I began to really cry. Not only cry but completely sob until it hurt.

I hated the mother I was.

Why would I get so upset at this sweet, baby boy? I grew him in my belly, birthed him, and nourished him with my body through breastfeeding. He was MY baby. My love. Everything I lived for.

So, why did I get so angry all the time? Why was I filled with so much anger when it came to the simple cries of a child needing his mother?

Postnatal Depression is real.

From someone who already struggles with depression (that’s a whole other story), I felt that the post partum part hit me hard. It was always difficult for me to understand what was going on within me and I thought that it was going to destroy the bond with my child and I. As much as it pains me to say this…I was almost afraid. I would get so angry and upset that I was afraid that I was going to be one of those mothers that would actually hurt their child. Yes, it was that bad.

Did I want to hurt my baby? Absolutely not. Never in a million years would I ever want 18280802_10208845007314754_1932360827_n It's Okay to Admit You're Not "Okay"to do such a thing. It is my job to protect my child and to keep them safe. And I will do that until my last dying breath. But was that a real fear of mine? Yes. It’s scary.

But I didn’t know that it wasn’t just me.

Over 75% of women do not get diagnosed or receive treatment or support. And 2 in 10 women have a mental health problem during pregnancy and in the first year, following birth. Think of all of the women around you, having babies. That’s a lot! I’m willing to bet that many of them are hiding it from you and are hiding it well. The problem is, we need to speak up about it.

I had no idea what was going on with me. I thought it was just my regular old depression, short fuse, and bad temper coming in. I didn’t think I actually needed any help with anything. When I was about 6 months post partum with my son, a friend of mine (whom I finally admitted a few things to) said,

“That sounds like post partum depression. I went back to talk to someone and got some help with it.”

I had no clue that she was going through it too! She actually experienced a lot of what I was going through. The anger and the sobbing. She went almost immediately having her child. I went back to get some help and I was given the runaround. Because I was 6 months post baby, I was no longer considered having post partum depression and they thought it was something completely different. So,  I looked forward to meeting with the doc and talking about what was going on – to finally get some answers.

Not long after being in that room with the doctor, I left feeling worse about myself. I felt as though I was an unfit mother. The doctor ridiculed me for the things that I was saying and for how I was feeling. He threatened to find a way to take my baby away. Now, that was one of the scariest things for me. That was why I didn’t want to get help or tell anyone about it. Because, how do you explain to someone the anger you feel inside and what’s happening in there…but that you’re not actually going to do ANYTHING like what you’re feeling? Some people can’t comprehend that until they are in the same situation. And if you’ve never had depression or post partum depression – you’re not going to get it.

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Amanda Glenn Photography

Needless to say, I never went back again. I never went back for help. I just continued with feeling the way I did. I talked to my husband and a couple friends here and there. I tried my best to be the best mother I could for my son. I loved him with everything in me. I wanted the feelings that I would feel every now and then to just go away. I did, however, feel a strong bond with him through breastfeeding. I missed him so much when I had to go to work. I snuggled with him and played with him and had all of the marvelous moments that one would have with their baby. My love never changed.

But I did realize that as he got older and we started trying for our next baby, my feelings weren’t as bad as they once were. Mind you, I was on the Mirena and although it is localized in just the uterus – hormones are hormones. And I learned a long time ago that I cannot do a lot of birth control because of the hormones. The Mirena still affected me. When I got it taken out, it took some time to get pregnant again and those “crazy” feelings weren’t as strong anymore.

Not until I ended up in the ER. Not many know about that situation. It’s hard to talk about but I will say that, depression caused by pregnancy and birth DOES happen. I had my kids close together. My hormones had gone up and down over the past 3 years. It’s not easy. It’s not easy to talk about or admit. And it’s not easy to know that you’ve had this happen to you.

Throughout my pregnancy with my daughter, I had been attacked from others about “mental issues” and being “mentally unstable.” And let me tell you,

It was a time where I was the strongest I had ever been.

Did it hurt when people talked about it as if it was nothing? Hell yes. Did I want to go off on those people? You betcha. But what was that going to solve? Absolutely nothing. It just made me realize that it really is something I needed to talk about. And the sad part was, it was in reference to the night I ended up in the ER. So, over the past year, I realized I needed to talk about this. So, here I am writing this super long post. 18280802_10208845007314754_1932360827_n It's Okay to Admit You're Not "Okay"

Anyway –
As much as I had bonded with my son, I did notice a disconnect. And I still do to this day. My pregnancies, their births, post partum side – everything is like night and day between my children. I didn’t feel the same feelings I had with my daughter after birth like I did with my son. My pregnancy was fitter and healthier the second time around. Hormones are weird like that, where they really can mess with the body in a very negative or even a positive way. But because of this disconnect with my son, I have felt the pang of guilt on more than one occasion. It hurts me to know that I get angry at him easier.

 

That disconnect actually worried me while I was pregnant with my daughter.

What if I love my daughter more than I love my son? What kind of thought is that?! A real one. And it sucked feeling that way. To be honest with you, I don’t love either of them more or less than the other. BUT – I can totally see a difference in how I am as a mother BECAUSE of my daughter. Because my pregnancy and the BIRTH was so different, I felt more of a connection immediately. When my son was born, he was rushed away from me completely. I am not blaming our disconnect on that whatsoever but I can see the differences throughout pregnancy and birth with each of them. I did post about my birth story with my daughter and I described it as a “healing birth.” And that’s exactly what it was. No, I don’t love my daughter more than my son. But we all connect differently to each other. And that’s okay.18280802_10208845007314754_1932360827_n It's Okay to Admit You're Not "Okay"

Honestly, there’s a chance that most of me getting angry easier is just due to him being a toddler and those “terrible-twos” are quite difficult. He is a lot like me. Go figure. But I can’t dwell on the fact that I used to be a certain way towards him. I can only move forward and learn from my mistakes.

I wish I could end this post where I tell you that I got the help I needed and I am fixed. But unfortunately, that is not the case. Somehow, in some way, my body healed itself. Not completely, but I noticed that I am no longer as angry or hopeless as I used to be. I don’t cry nearly as much as I did and my heart is more open.

I do, however, urge you to get help if you need it. If you feel ANYTHING like how I have described it in this post, please talk to someone. A doctor, a therapist, a friend (who will then refer you to a doctor or a therapist) but don’t let yourself think you’re helpless. Don’t think that you’re the only one.

You are NOT crazy. This happens. You are not alone.

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18280802_10208845007314754_1932360827_n It's Okay to Admit You're Not "Okay"

3 Weeks Post Baby

img_6843 3 Weeks Post BabyWhile I was pregnant, I kept up with my fitness lifestyle. At least, during my second pregnancy. During my first, I didn’t work out much due to the doctor telling me to take 8 weeks off because I almost lost my son. It was scary and I listened! But it was very difficult to pick up the fitness routine after those 8 weeks and I just gave up. I fought hard for that year before we got pregnant again and I was barely even close to where I had been before. 

The cool thing is, I gained a lot of muscle and was in better shape during this pregnancy than in between my pregnancies. I want to get back into the gym but at the same time…I’m trying my best to be patient through the healing. Plus…I have two babies at home to take care of now. So, it’ll be interesting to see how I fit in my workouts! 

BUT I’ve been itching to do some exercising. I’m not in a HUGE hurry to get back into the gym but I’m noticing that some of the gains I worked so hard for during my pregnancy…are slowly going away. That’s not fun. You know what else isn’t fun? Being super antsy to just get outside or to move a little more. 

I have yet to buy my double jogging stroller to take the kids out together but on the weekends my hubby and I can take both the kids and go for super nice walks together. Little man goes on the swings at the park and plays on the playground, little miss takes naps in the stroller, and my husband and I do exercises at the park. He does a lot of pull-ups and other calisthenics and I just to body weight exercises. For now, I’m not doing too much but just being able to get my heart rate up is good. It definitely helps my mood as well. Keeps me sane. 😂 Movement is good for the body and the soul! 🙌🏽❤️️

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Being a Boy Mom

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I may have only been a boy mom (mom in general) for about 15 months but I totally love it!

It’s hard to believe that this time, two years ago, we were getting ready to be out at sea and I would later find out I was pregnant. During my first pregnancy with Aston, I wanted a girl. I have no shame in saying it! It’s the truth. But that was at first. Growing up, I always wanted a girl first if I had kids. I grew up with a sister, I was the oldest, and my cousins that were around my age were all girls. It just made sense to me. Either way, I just wanted a healthy and happy baby. When I found out we were having a boy, my husband about jumped out of his seat. My first thought was,

‘What am I going to do with a boy?!’

I think that is totally normal for anyone who doesn’t have much experience with boys. I’ve never even babysat for baby boys before! But I seriously went into a little bit of a panic mode. I told my husband that I wasn’t ready for a boy. I came up with so many questions:

How do I dress a boy?
How do I change a boys’ diaper?
How am I going to potty train a boy?!

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And many more as I am sure you can imagine. But eventually, as I was buying things for him and for the nursery, I became more at ease and of course, excitement overwhelmed me. And now, having been a mom for the past year, I just love being a boy mom. And I wonder, what will it be like if I find out I am having a girl in a few weeks? We shall save those thoughts for a later date.

But I have compiled a small list of things I love about being a boy mom. I am SURE many of these things are fairly similar with little girls, but what do I know? I have a boy. 😉

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  1. I never have to put him in pink.

I know, you never HAVE to put a girl in pink or anything, that’s not what I am implying here. But I just love that at the baby shower, I didn’t receive a million pink things or have to return things because of the color. I made a point to tell people not to give us anything with that baby blue color. Bright blues, navy blue, dark blue….anything but baby blue. I am just not a fan. And I don’t like pink like that either. I am sure if I have a girl, I will change my mind. But for now, I am glad it’s blues and other things.

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2. There really isn’t much accessorizing.

I mean, if he wants to go ahead and wear fancy bows in his hair, that’s fine by me. But for the first year, I am pretty sure he doesn’t have much of a preference besides, “Get this thing off of my head.” And that goes for hats or anything else. But I don’t need to put anything on him. Hats sometimes are cool. I think some moms put bows or headbands on their little girls because people can’t tell if their baby is a boy or girl. Hey, some can’t it happens. We have gotten she occasional, “She’s so cute” but it never bothered me…except when he’s decked out in all blue in a shirt that says, “Dad’s little dude” or something like that. Come on. Maybe some moms actually like the bows and headbands! Again, I will have no idea until I have one for myself but for now, I will enjoy keeping it simple.

“Get this thing off my head.”

3. His clothes are simple.

Onesie or shirt. Pants. Shoes. Done. Okay, it’s not that different from girls but I guess it all comes down to preference! Some people put their girls in a dress and they’re good to go, so that could be simple enough. But then there’s leggings or tights and back to the hair bows. And I guess with boys you can add bowties and suspenders, but I can keep it super simple with Aston.

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4. I am the only girl he will ever love…for now.

I get to enjoy the fact that my little baby loves his Mommy so much. No other women in the world is going to love him like I do and he won’t look at anyone like he looks at his mommy! I feel pretty awesome when he comes running to me with open arms and a huge open mouth kiss. Yeah, we’re working on the whole kissy face thing.

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5. Cars, balls, trains, turtles, etc.

These are the kinds of toys he loves to play with. Again, no pink and nothing super fancy. I mean, at this stage he’s just throwing a lot of his toys around anyway but I love that we can play catch (more like fetch) together and he has a grand old time. And he loves playing outside. I was the kid that hated being outside and hated getting dirty…but this kid is adorable and loves playing in the dirt. And I really don’t mind it all that much! Put him in a diaper and no clothes and he’s good to go!

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6. I’m the only girl.

Hey, it sounds a little selfish but I really like the idea of being truly the only girl around. Like before, I mentioned that I am the only girl he loves right now…but I also like that I get to be the girly one. My husband and my son’s attention is on THIS pretty girl in the room! Ha! I don’t know how to explain it really, but it’s nice being the only one. Plus, when I am trying to get ready, I don’t have to share with anyone. Oh man, if I have a girl this time around, I can only imagine the teenage years! And if she’s anything like me, I am really in for it!

7. Their clothes really do have the cutest sayings on them.

Many of the shirts and onesies you find for a boy could work for a girl too. And yes, all the frill is great for a girl. But if you’re not into frill…and you see some dinosaur eating a cookie while drinking milk…that’s just super freaking cute! I love the Mama’s boy ones or the Dad’s little guy. I just love that stuff.

8. Diaper changes.

You can wipe up, down, side to side….doesn’t matter. No worries. As long as the poo is gone.

9. “Boys will be boys.”

You totally understand that saying when you become a mom. I mean, he’s only one but he does such silly things that I couldn’t see a little girl doing. Then again, we will just have to wait and see. But things like picking his nose and discovering his…ahem…penis. I can’t help but laugh when he does these things!! I probably shouldn’t laugh. He probably does it more because I laugh at him.

The bottom line really is: I love being a mom. And I love being pregnant with my next bundle of love. in about 2 weeks we find out what we are having and it’s going to be fantastic. And it doesn’t matter, boy or girl, I am sure I will have posts about how different it is to raise another baby. <3

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To The Mommy of a 1-Year Old

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Dear Mommy of a 1-Year Old,

You did it.

Didn’t think you’d make it this far with all of your hair still, huh? Well, you did and you are fantastic.

The first year of anything you do in life isn’t easy. And the first year is definitely a rough one. Then again, we have the rest of our lives with our children and I am sure there are many more years to go that could be just as trying as the first!

But hey, you did it. You ROCKED being a mommy.

You made it through those sleepless nights.
You learned not to wake a sleeping baby.
You figured out the difference between a hungry cry and a sleepy cry.
You have a new outlook on life.
You figured out that being a mom is hard work…
and it’s the best thing you’ve ever done with your life.
You realized that you don’t care about what others think about you…
– your clothes
– your hair
– your parenting style
You figured out that there are more things to think about and none of them are for you.
You figured out that you are much stronger than you know.

Many people told you what it was going to be like having a baby. They told you the pros and the cons and well, a lot of times they left out the really juicy stuff that you wish you had known. But you, you learned that every child is different and you did everything you could to make sure you kept your sanity and kept your bundle of joy safe and happy.

Moms talked to you about topics like (some more controversial than others):
Breastfeeding vs formula feeding
Circumcised or not
Cloth diapers vs disposable
Binky (paci/nook) vs not using one
Babywearing or stroller usage
vax, delayed, or nonvax
and so much more.

It’s all a mess sometimes but everyone parents differently. Everyone makes their own decisions based off of what they believe is right and what works for the family. And you did exactly that.

Good for you, mama! Keep doing what you’re doing.

And now your baby is 1 and it’s a huge step. Don’t worry about where they are.

If they’re walking now, great. If not, that’s great too. Some people want fast movers and some enjoy the immobility for as long as possible.
So, they’re not talking yet, it’s okay. They will, when they are ready.
That first birthday party? It doesn’t have to be extravagant. You don’t have to stress about the theme, the decorations, or who is coming. You can if you want, but your child will not remember it. It’s all for you guys anyway. And a little thing I must add: Really, don’t worry about who is invited.

We had a huge issue with people getting upset with us for not inviting them to our son’s first birthday party. Grown adults whining about not coming to a 1 year old’s party. The thing is, last minute, we decided to have the party at home. Our home is tiny and there wasn’t tons of room for children and tons of adults and we didn’t have the funds to buy enough for so many people! And believe it or not, these were people that hadn’t talked to us in MONTHS. So, we decided to go with the people who our son would recognize and know the most and feel comfortable with. That was that. Don’t stress about it and don’t let people treat you terribly because of the decision you made.

You have now experienced what everyone told you when they said, “Enjoy it now. They grow up so fast.”
That year really did go by fast, didn’t it?

Don’t be sad. Believe me, I was. But I didn’t need to be. My child is growing and it’s what we, as mothers, do. We get sad but we are happy for them. And we get ready for the next stage in their life. Be prepared for the obstacles that may come:

First year molars
First words and steps
Tempter tantrums
Terrible Twos

I haven’t experienced much yet, but that’s just what we’ve gotten so far.

Just remember: You are one amazing mom. You’re a rockstar. You are the best mom for your little baby. And as they grow and change, so do you.

Love,
The Mommy of a 1-Year Old

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“Meternity Leave?” This is Maternity Leave

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Alright, there is a popular article that has pretty much gone viral all over Facebook and Twitter. I have seen it pop up on my feed quite a few times and I finally caved to read it.

The article on the New York Post titled, “I want all the perks of maternity leave — without having any kids ” by Anna Davies has stirred up quite a few blog posts and Facebook posts from moms all over, giving Miss Meghann Foye a piece of their mind. And well, being a mother myself and having finally read the darn thing, I decided to write about my feelings on this subject as well.

No, Meghann. I haven’t read your book. And there’s a very good chance that I won’t, mostly because I barely have time to read books as it is. Don’t get me wrong, I am not going to sit here and say that I have never been in your shoes before. I have. I was once one of those women that focused solely on career and friendships as opposed to thoughts of having a husband or kids in my future. Well, I thought about it but after numerous breakups and heartache, my life became more about me than about having a “we.”

I joined the military with every intent to put in my 20 years, retire, and live a fabulous life of being single and never having any other responsibilities besides the ones that are needed to take care of myself. And hey, that’s totally fine. More power to anyone who takes pride in what they do with their life. Countless jobs before, I thought it was unfair that mothers got to take time off of work. I mean, what did I know? I just saw these moms getting paid to take time away from work or even what you said in the article in the NYP, people got to leave work early to pick up the kids and having a friend who just suffered a breakup wasn’t a valid excuse. Been there. I was like, ‘Why the heck can’t I get out early because I live 30 minutes away and I want to go out with my friends…but I have to drive all the way back home then all the way back HERE just to do so.” We all worked together, downtown…it just made sense.

Then being in the military, I thought the same thing, at first. People got to get out of working a 13-14 shift because the daycares on base shut down after a certain time and you HAVE to pick up your children. People got time off and got away from the job that we were all sleepily working at on a Friday evening…still here…

But that’s the thing. You never know anything about anything unless you have been through it. This whole concept of “Meternity Leave” just makes no sense to me. That’s what vacations are for. If you work in the corporate world, you get paid time off and well, many people who don’t get paid time off for vacation, still get time off to themselves to do whatever they please.

Maternity leave is not a vacation. Maternity leave is a time of bonding with your child and having those precious moments with them. Because those first few months are some of the most important times that baby needs to be with their mother. And 3 months off? Not many people get that luxury. When I first had my child, I was given 6 weeks paid and I took an additional 2 weeks of my own time that I had saved up. And that’s in the military. Granted, we have recently changed things a bit and we now get those 12 weeks – paid, but that wasn’t the case before. And think about many people outside of the military who are ALLOWED to take those 12 weeks or more off…but many moms can’t afford to take it off because that time off isn’t even paid for! So, the entire time that the mother is supposed to be spending time with their child and learning how to be a mother, they are spending time stressing about the bills that need to be paid and how they are going to make up for the time lost at work.

Ask your friend who decided to leave her corporate job and start a new business after she had her baby. What is it exactly that made you want to do that? I am willing to bet that it wasn’t…”I had an awesome vacation from work and I wanted to continue it.” It is very likely the fact that she pushed a melon sized child out of her vagina and realized what was important in her life and what her focus needs to be on. And let me tell you…I highly doubt she had a “break.” Do you really think stay-at-home-moms ever get a day off? Wait, don’t even answer that. I am willing to bet I know which side of the spectrum you’re on when it comes to THAT conversation.

But here’s the main deal with this post. THIS is what maternity leave looks like. And if you’ve never had a child, you wouldn’t know.

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This beautiful moment after I had my first son is nothing short of amazing. Everything I felt was worth it. But what you don’t see here is that, I was terrified. Nurses and doctors didn’t speak to me. They acted like I wasn’t even there and they just had to get a melon out of me. What you don’t see is them pushing on my stomach and passing my placenta out and stitching me up. What you don’t see is the pain that I endured or the fact that because doctors wouldn’t talk to me, I had no idea what was going on.

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You may see me smiling here but what you don’t see is that I am cuddling with my child in the early morning, after hours of fighting him to nurse. I had to battle with him to try and eat for the first 6 days of his life. He had jaundice and wasn’t nursing at all and I didn’t understand why. So, laying down with him in bed was one of the only ways to get him to calm down.

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What you see here is a mom who stayed up all night with their crying baby. Trying to put him back to sleep after hours of trying. Many nights I fell asleep sitting up in my bed because my baby only wanted to sleep in that position.

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No, I am not squishing my child, but this is a great example of what you DON’T see moms go through during maternity leave. Finally, a satisfied baby. Fed and ready to pass out. But mama? Covered in milk from leaky boobs, stained shirts, nipples that are sore and completely cracked from learning how to nurse her baby for the first time, and breast pads to help from a milk waterfall from streaming down your clothes. As you can see, it doesn’t always help.

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There is always poop. I bet your “Meternity” never has a bunch of poop…or pee all over you. Or vomit for that matter, unless you’re covered in your own vomit from those margaritas with your girlfriends at the bar because you’re celebrating her newfound singleness.

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An exhausted mother. Sleeping with an ice pack in between her legs, wearing very large mesh underwear from the hospital, and feminine pads that resemble diapers. It’s the healing process. You don’t see that, do you? That’s because most women don’t post that all over their Facebook pages. You don’t see the heartache some moms go through when they look in the mirror and see their bloated stomach STILL looking like they are 6 months pregnant because not all moms lose weight while nursing. You don’t know the feeling of having a stitch stuck in your lady parts because it didn’t dissolve like it was supposed to. And you don’t know what it’s like to not be able to be intimate with your husband, 1. because you can’t and 2. because you have no energy.

There is no such thing as a “break” when it comes to maternity leave.

So, go ahead and suggest to everyone that you deserve your “ME” time. Because honestly, us moms never really get that “Meternity Leave.” Once you have a child, there is no such thing as ME time. It’s about your kids. It’s about family. And yes, that’s a choice that we, as parents made for our lives. But don’t you dare say you need paid time off to have time to yourself just because women have a baby and get their time off.

Also, I found an article that I found completely hilarious after I started writing this post. And for those of you that want “MEternity leave,” I say, go for it. As long as you abide by the rules of this post. And I absolutely love it.

So you want maternity leave without the kids? OK. Here’s how that should go.” by Elizabeth Bromstein

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The End of the First Trimester

img_1587 The End of the First Trimester

The first part of a series of documenting my second pregnancy.

I didn’t do much documenting with my first pregnancy with my son. I didn’t really know what to write about and I was in this weird stage of trying to figure out what kind of blog I wanted to have…but that doesn’t matter. I have a blog as an outlet. To talk about my feelings and how my life is and to just have somewhere to dump all of my emotions so that I don’t scream at the next person who speaks to me. So, I will just write about my pregnancy, here.

Unfortunately, I didn’t write anything about this pregnancy until literally the END of the first trimester, but we weren’t really telling anyone about it yet. Most people don’t want to tell anyone in the first trimester that they are pregnant (especially if they had already experienced a miscarriage) because miscarriages are quite common in the beginning. So common, that almost 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, with the majority occurring during the first 12 weeks. There is a 75% chance of miscarriage in weeks 1-2 of pregnancy, when you do not know you are pregnant. There is a 10% chance of miscarriage in weeks 3-6 and this number drops to 5% during weeks 6-12. That’s kind of a big deal. Anyone can see why most families tend to share the news AFTER the ultrasound.

Okay, I lied.

So, that’s what we did. We did it with Aston and we decided to wait for this one too. I was so happy to see that everything was okay and our little peanut was moving around in there. Arm buds and all. 😛 I found out I was pregnant when I was maybe…about 4 weeks along. Seriously, we experienced a loss in January and the next month, I was pregnant again. I was keeping track and told my husband that I wouldn’t take a pregnancy test again so soon. Okay, I lied. We had been trying for another baby and I was too excited when I didn’t get my period! And, it was positive. WOO HOO!

Went into medical the following Monday to be sure and yes, another positive test. HCG levels were pretty high and I was on cloud nine. But, we didn’t want to say anything to anyone.

6 LONG weeks later, we were finally able to get an ultrasound done and we announced the big news!

Related: And Then There Were Four…

The first few weeks after finding out I was pregnant was a bit rough. And what I mean by few I mean like…the past 8 weeks. I never got sick with Aston. No morning sickness. I believe I had about 2 days of nausea and it literally felt like it was just the flu, not a human being growing inside of me. But this time is slightly different. I am still nursing Aston in the evenings and weekends, basically whenever I am home with him. So, there’s the nursing and then there’s the normal fatigue that comes with pregnancy. The first trimester just blows when it comes to energy levels.

I come home every night and pretty much just pass out with Aston. Play with Aston a little bit when we get home then it’s time for him to take a nap so I nurse him and I either watch TV or pass out with him. And when I try to get up to do anything, he flips out. Apparently, it’s his time to be with mama. That’s fine. I like to get my snuggles in when I can.

Nope. You did it once this week. Don’t you dare try again.

But working out, yeah. I didn’t work out at first because I was afraid to. I know very well that working out doesn’t cause miscarriages. But when you start bleeding WHILE you are at the gym, you kind of worry a little bit and this time I just stopped. Probably a stupid idea, but I was all in my head and I just didn’t want to risk it. So, I didn’t. I did try to start working out again and I would do one day but then my body was like, “Nope. You did it once this week. Don’t you dare try again.” And I would just be in pain for a few days and I would get sick. I was just done. So, the first trimester has been difficult for me. Not the regular difficult like most moms go through but…finding the time and energy while working full time, having a 14 month old at home, and growing another baby is hard! Anyone who says it’s easy is lying to you. No joke. But, you can make it through. That’s what I am finally starting to do.

And eating well? Forget that. For the first few weeks, anytime I even looked at a vegetable, I wanted to vomit. That is clearly not healthy and not like me at all. This baby is definitely a different one than his or her big brother. But I am working on it. Trying not to give into the cravings is really hard but I cannot let myself gain over 60 pounds again like I did with Aston. It’s not fun. It’s really hard to get everything you worked so hard for back! Trust me.

I’m not even fully at the end of this trimester but I am almost there. The first trimester seems to just fly by. Before I know it, I will be in the third trimester and then having my baby and into the fourth trimester I go! Oh man…that’s scary all on it’s own!

 

(Written 2 weeks prior to publishing)

img_1587 The End of the First Trimester

And Then There Were Four…

12973018_10205948156655298_5075545641529279649_o And Then There Were Four...

Now that the entire family and the Facebook world knows the good news, I can share it publicly…anywhere I want. Including this blog. 🙂

That’s right, Aston is going to be a big brother! And we are all so excited!

I did post the other day (April Fool’s day to be exact) and I talked about my experience with miscarriage. It’s a sad thing for anyone to have to go through at any point in their lives. But it’s also something real. It does happen. And I will not dismiss it and act like it didn’t happen.

I know that God will use that situation as a reminder or a lesson at some point in my life. we mourned our loss and we moved forward. And you know what? It’s okay to move forward too. Some people may think that it’s not okay to just move on past what just happened to you, but it really is okay! There is no sense in dwelling on the things that you cannot change. Especially something that happened beyond your control.

So, here we are, now with baby #2 on the way. And it’s such fantastic news! Hubby wants a girl and I want another boy. Let’s be honest, I want a boy because I already have all of the baby boy things and I don’t need to go out and buy all the extra stuff then! 😛 But for real, I don’t care as long as we have a healthy and happy little baby. Isn’t that all any parent really hopes for?

This baby will be a fall baby. He or she is due on November 1st and we are pretty excited. Not only that, I am so excited about that fact that I will get an entire 18 weeks of maternity leave! The military changed some things around over the past couple years and I made the cut off by a few days. It’s pretty fantastic. When I had Aston, I was home for 6 weeks and then took an additional 2 weeks of my own time off to stay with him. I wasn’t ready. I really was NOT ready to go back to work after only 8 short weeks with him. And I have missed him every moment since.

Of course, I still see him every night when I get home from work and on my lunch breaks if I take them, but I love being home with him. Yeah, I get the crazies every now and then when I am home with him all day, but I assume eventually you get used to it! 😛

Anyway, there’s the announcement. I am so excited and feeling incredibly blessed to be having this little peanut growing inside of me. Such a gift to be able to carry a child not just once but twice. <3

12973018_10205948156655298_5075545641529279649_o And Then There Were Four...

12973018_10205948156655298_5075545641529279649_o And Then There Were Four...

Back To It’s Roots

What could I possibly be talking about here? “Back to it’s roots? Who’s roots?”

The blog is going back to it’s roots! I started out this whole blogging journey (this blog at least) in I believe August or September of 2014. I was pregnant and no longer doing the job I was doing before. I sat at a desk and I needed to spend time doing something that was creative and an outlet for me while going through my pregnancy.

After I had my son, I went through a few changes. Got back into working out and eating healthy and taking things head on. I got back into the BUSINESS of Beachbody and was really trying to get that going. The thing is, I am still doing all of those things but I am trying to keep my blog to my feelings – stories about my life. This is supposed to be an outlet. Not a business venture.

Sure, I will have links to my business accounts and what not on here but it’s nothing that isn’t going to be the sole focus of this blog. The focus is me. My life. And everything that comes with it. I can share stories about being a wife (heck, I am still new to this and it’s been a year and a half!), motherhood, transitioning from an everyday job to being a stay-at-home-mom (coming next year), and anything else that sparks my interest. This blog is meant for others to come and laugh at my mistakes and see that they aren’t alone.

Parenting is hard and I know it makes me feel better to know that I am not alone when I have a rough day and I just need to walk away. Also, it’s nice to read the funny things that happen to people and what could possibly happen when the “terrible twos” hit or when your “three-nager” is talking back. All of the things us moms look forward to, right? 😛

To celebrate bringing my blog back to where it’s supposed to be, I changed my domain name back to it’s original state. HeyDarlingLove. That’s what it’s meant to be and I am NOT changing it again. I made a new instagram account for this blog and I will post literally anything and everything I am feeling on this one. I have a personal account where I post everything in my daily life, my fitness account, and a babywearing one that I am apart of. But this one is different. I will post my blog posts on there and I will share bits and pieces of my blog, my thoughts, and fun quotes that I find. It’s a smash up of everything into one, I guess. A peek into my life. 😉 And my twitter account is back to normal.

This is the right move. I know this because it feels right. I have no doubts. Even if no one reads my posts, that’s totally fine with me! I am not very good at telling stories and typing how I should. I am not an English teacher and I don’t care to be. I am not always grammatically correct, I spell words wrong, and I don’t proofread. I just get out what I want to say and in a timely manner. I have a job and I am a mom and a wife. If I want to get my thoughts out, they just have to flow. You moms get it, don’t you?

Either way, this is going to be a fun continuance of a journey I started not too long ago and I am totally looking forward to getting back to getting to know my fellow bloggers and entertaining my friends with my…sarcasm and random rants that happen almost daily. Be ready for all of the awesome-ness headed your way. 😉

Welcome back,
HeyDarlingLove <3

?s=100&d=mm&r=g Back To It's Roots

Family Workouts Pt 1

Who says you can’t workout with your baby? 😛

Don’t mind my horrible voice. I was still learning how to use the apps on my phone while creating better videos that I didn’t realize how to overwrite my voice. The other videos I have made since this one are much better. 😉

My husband and I love to workout together. And let’s be honest, being a parent means that sometimes, you don’t get the time you want to do things. Okay, a lot of the times. So, to solve that problem, we just decided to do things with our son instead of missing our workout time or one of us cutting our time short because we had to take turns watching him. Here’s one of the things we came up with.

Working on our core. 😉

?s=100&d=mm&r=g Family Workouts Pt 1

If I Found A Way, You Can Too

ican1 If I Found A Way, You Can Too

I wanted to post this to help encourage some of you. I am not a perfect person, nor do I claim to be. But there are some of you out there that probably have found yourself in a spot where it will be impossible to lose the weight, to get healthy, to run around with your kids, or you don’t have the time to do anything but work and pick up food from the closest fast food joint.

Yes, life gets rough. Things get thrown at you and it’s hard! I don’t deny that. But my goal is to show you and everyone out there that it IS possible to be HAPPY and to get what you want because you work for it!! So many things can get overwhelming at times…

1. I work full time as an Active Duty service member (same with my husband, I was pregnant in that photo haha)
2. I am a newlywed
3. I am a new mom
4. I breastfeed and sometimes it’s hard to keep up, but it’s wonderful.
5. I cloth diaper and it takes a little more work than disposables
6. I am a babywearer because I love to keep my son close
7. I am a student
8. And I am a Beachbody Coach and I love it!

When all of these things get put together, it could take some time to get used to! I run challenge groups, I work out, I meal prep, and I have found time to do the things I love with the people I love.

This post is meant to ENCOURAGE you. To show you that it IS possible to get the results you want. I want to lose weight and get back into shape, so I am doing it. I want to be a coach and help others with their own journey and to help them have the confidence that they deserve. It’s what I love to do.

If you are out there and want to do what I do, let me know. I would be more than happy to help you! If you want to lose weight, get healthy, get fit, or heck…you want to become a coach and help others, then let me know! I would love to be able to have you on my team. Life on this side has been fantastic. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

ican1 If I Found A Way, You Can Too

ican1 If I Found A Way, You Can Too